I saw my mother suffer, I went with her to see counselors, psychologist, psychiatrist, medical doctors, you name it. I even sat in on a session here and there at her request. I still just wanted to scream at her to get over it and move on and no way did I want to see a "head shrink" myself, they would retire immediately after the first session I would joke.
My mom passed away and I dealt with it in my own way, or so I thought. We celebrated her life and I was relieved that she finally was whole again and could do all the things her brain told her she could do and her body denied her. It was a good thing considering her circumstances. She had been in bad health for over 20-years and slowly deteriorating to the point of her frustration and mine.
Then that thing happens, the one thing that will unexpectedly bring you to your knees. You have a reaction to something that seems to be way out of proportion for the situation at hand. It might be something that does not affect you directly and all of a sudden you have made it all about you. That thing. Mine was some high school friends who I witness meet, date, marry and have babies. I helped host their wedding and baby shower for their first born. We were in it together. That baby was now in college with an aspiring baseball career ahead of him and 2 younger brothers that adored him. He was killed in a car wreck a few miles from home. That was my trigger for my downward spiral of grief and depression. I still didn't believe in depression. You don't have to, it is not a requirement for it to move in and take over. I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to hold conversations with others, I wanted to keep to the bare necessities of my daily routine which would allow me to just survive. I knew in my head this was not "normal", it was out of character and I needed to "snap out of it". I could rationalize all that in my head but could not grab the rope and climb up and out of it. I hated myself for being so weak, which made it even worse. I struggled and then I would just let it loose to run a muck, then I would try to rationalize it away. It didn't last very long and I am not sure what the trigger was that made it pass but it did pass and I was ok one day. I had a great support system and only one or two of them knew what was really wrong. Heck, I didn't even know what was really wrong at the time. That was my first bout with depression. OR SO I THOUGHT.
Many moons and years later I was contemplating how it is that so many of my friends are fighting depression and here I am a Happiness Coach. Then I started wondering if it was because they could not relate to me. Happiness Coach Jen Cook could not possibly know what it is to have depression. She is always happy and sees the sunny-side of things. Then I went back to "my story of depression" which was the story of being a child of someone clinically depressed. That had been my story for so long that was my default. Well that helps only those who have had parents with depression, it does not help those that are suffering it themselves. I realized I had a story of my own to tell.
TON OF BRICKS hit me all of a sudden when I realized that was not my first time to be depressed and was not my only personal story to tell. When I got divorced I became a hermit for a while and barely functioned at work and not at all at home. I had put sheets over all my windows looking out and never did the dishes or cleaned house. I would go Friday and rent movies and run by the store and get food and I would not leave my house until I had to be at work on Monday. I am not even sure I bathed. I wouldn't answer the phone, I would just watch movies, stuff my face and sleep. During the week I would come home and watch tv or read until I fell asleep. My mother, of all people, intervened. She came in like a taz mania devil and took over my house and me and was brutally honest about my living conditions and my health. My weight was at the highest it had been ever at that time. I was living in a dungeon and there were probably things growing in my sink.
Anyone that knows me, knows I AM NOT THAT PERSON.
I am social to a fault, I make my bed, clean-up after myself and you if you don't do it fast enough, I love going out and watching one movie at a time is enough for me before I get antsy. I love meeting new people and catching up with the ones in my life forever or 5-seconds.
All that to say, I believe in depression, I believe in you, I have been down that road and I am here for you anytime you need me.
Please get help. Get help for you, you are different from me, you are different from anyone else, make sure you get help that is customized to your needs, not a cookie-cutter, one-size fits-all solution.
I LOVE YOU
